walaupun pahit... telan je lah...

"tak tau lah awk bleh buat ke tak, tapi kdg2 jd emotionless tu penting ..."  menambah lagi kata-katanya, "sy advise je, tak semestinya kene ikut pun, tapi kadang2 perspective org kene jaga juga... " itu ayat terakhir yg aku dapat malam tadi, macam biasa.. mmg selalunya perbualan kami akan memfrustkan aku, tapi aku tak tahulah ape yang buat aku percaya sgt dengan kawan aku yang sorg ni, walaupun selalu buat aku down... agaknya dah bese sgt down tu yang tak kesah kot.. tapi tipulah kalau kata aku tak frust dan letih... hurmmmm... agaknya satu yang menyelamatkan keadaan, objectivity...

Nk harap kene puji, mmg tak de lah, kene kutuk selalu lagi ade, tipulah klu aku kata aku tak terasa... pujian tu bukan utk aku, utk org lain... mmg byk sabar je lah klu tgk org lain kene puji... ye. agaknye mmg aku ni pantang kene puji, tu yang dia asyik kutuk je. Ada jgk sekali sekala tanya, "apasal asyik condemn je? kadang org lain buat lagi teruk dr sy..." jawapan yang diberi mmg haih sabar je la kalau dengar. (T_T)

Apasal boleh termelalut pasal mende2 nih?? think, think, think! hehe.. btw that's not the main story. The main story is that, ermmmm.. ape eh? Aiseh seriyes dah lupe... huuuuu... owh k, got it i think.. :p 

It's about all the things that I've always think and keep rewinding in my mind. I think for the whole year kot, paling teruk sem ni I guess. Commitment.. that's the word. Should I tell all the story here? Naah.. I'll keep that one, but here's the thing, teringin nk jadi malas n buat suka hati macam org lain, tapi I guess I'm not that brave to do it, or the word is I don't have that kind of sampai hati punye perasaan utk buat cm tu. But I guess with that kind of baik hati (lah sgt...hurmmm) selalu je jadi frust... yes I know that's the sign I wasn't sincere all this time, but trust me, if anyone was in my shoe, wud also feel the same. The thing that happened was not like what i expected, it's worse than that... Everybody wud blame me if I tell them what I feel, but I am in the condition of tersepit antara byk perkara.. Padahal ade je choice utk lari, ye ke???? I guess not... 

Altho my friend yang sorg ni selalu menghentam, or in  other way realistik (ye ke??) ye lah tu... but the thing that made me trust this person is that aku boleh cerita ape je.. Without rase bersalah.. Without controlling my emotion, I can tell all the story from A to Z, pastu lantak la die nk komen ape pun aku kene terime je... part ni kene hurmmmm... kadang2 ignore je, kadang2 hentam die balik (tp pastu kene counter balik la nnt), kadang2 telan je, selalunya mmg fikir banyak kali ape yang die ckp, reflect n ponder... but I tell u, it made me thinking all the thing that I had done...
 

So what's the correlation antara dua cerita berbeza nih? Hehe.. nothing, it's just that when keluar cerita yg kedua pada kawan aku yang sorg ni, the answer agak mengecewakan la... I mean in terms of application ie there's nothing I can do about it. Only an insight given and that's it. The only thing that I can do is keep on praying, may things become better.. may Allah ease evrything, n of course keeping up my commitment. But one thing for sure, I want to be happy n free from frustration. But how? There's one way that I know for sure.. kene balik rumah selalu... But I want to add more ways to help me smile n happy... not only going back home... And with this friend, I believe aku mmg akan keep on consulting dengan dia, as usual... walaupun pahit telan je lah... (@_@)

ponder. wonder. haish....

Bila satu kesilapan hanya memberi kesan utk seketika, ya ia boleh dipertimbangkan utk tidak difikirkan dan diungkit, cukup dengan dengan memberi maaf dan memahami keadaan, selesai masalah.. tapi bila satu kesilapan memberi kesan utk jangka panjang ada tanggungjawab yg mesti dituntut disitu...

This is what always comes to my mind.. until now, I cannot let it go easily.. If people ask me to forget all the things that happened to me, yup maybe Il'l erase them someday, if not soon maybe later. But not this one n this thing always comes to my  mind, and I know I won''t let it go... unless there are clear n honest audit n introspection. 

The best thing that I heard about me is that I'm so emotional, n always overwhelmed by negative emotions... yes I do not deny that. But let me be clear about something, my emotion n my reaction shud not be used as an excuse to run away from the point of discussion. Red herring I shud call it. Why is it so hard for some people to accept that they are guity and what they do is wrong? And to make it worse, they do not want to talk and discuss about it? Isn't that already a sign that u r guilty and u have ur interest in it?  I may accuse others for voicing out this thing, but tell me do we have to stay silent if we see something is going wrong n nobody cares n nobody wants to be responsible? At least admitting that it is a fault and wrongdoing can solve a part of the problem...

I may be nagging for no reason this time in my blog... but this is what I feel, the best place to express everything is here, eventho I bet that some people may get hurt from my words, but what's the point thinking about others and at the same time they do not care to think about me. But this thing is not about me, it's about the thing where we put all our efforts there, the thing that we would fight for, the thing that we would sacrifice a lot of our everything for... 

 

I thought playing safe won't get me into trouble, yup it didn't.. But it brought greater trouble to everybody... Huuuuuu.. yes I regret for playing safe, I regret for not being firm, I regret for not sacrificing my interest when I had the chance to do it... I hope I can fix this, I do not want to sit back n just see  things go thru like nothing had happened before ... But I guest, this all I got... yup just wait n see.. o I wish I cud do something.. (@_@)